Tags
absence, co-parenting, dad, divorce, Father, ill feelings, motherhood, parenting, Single Mothers, Single-parent, visitation arrangements
My parents divorced when I was young. I am not sure at what age but I think I was somewhere around eight years old when my father finally moved out to start his life anew without the burden or concern of the day-to-day of the five children he left.
I don’t remember him moving out or how long it took him to stop following the court-ordered custody and visitation arrangements or to stop paying the prescribed amount of child support at the designated time each month. But, at some point he did. At some point, he stopped coming every other weekend. He stopped making it to all of the important events. He stopped remembering to be a dad.
My mother, as many single mothers do, fought with him to take his children for his time. And, although I am sure she tried to keep it away from us, somehow I knew that dad just didn’t care and didn’t want us to come anymore. And as far as I was concerned, if he didn’t want me to come, then I didn’t want to go. But, mom fought with dad and, when dad agreed, she insisted that we go.
Mom: Your dad’s coming to get you this weekend.
Me: I don’t want to go.
Mom: You’re going anyway.
I hated it. I understand it now and probably understood it then. Mom needed her break and whenever she could get dad to even partly step up to the plate, she was going to take advantage. Except that he always said he was coming and almost never showed up. Which built more resentment.
I Am Not My Mother.
In many ways I am like my mother. She taught me to love and respect my father despite his faults. Regardless of her ill feelings toward my father, she taught me that hate was not an option and that we cannot expect people to behave the way we want them to behave.
Through an unfortunate turn of events, I have had to teach these same lessons to my children when their father promises and then doesn’t come through or doesn’t call or doesn’t send for them to visit. I have taken up the fight to remind their father to be dad.
Me: Your daughter is upset with you.
Him: Really? Why?
or
Me: Call your daughter.
or
Me: Call you son.
or
Me: Your kids need to see you.
I have given reminders and fought for the relationship between my children and their father despite the disgust which, of course, was borne of his cheating and nurtured by his disregard for his children and their needs. Only, I am not my mother. I will not continue to fight.
I am not certain the logic that is used to justify not communicating with your child regardless of the relationship that is between you and the child’s other parent. If I know that a friendship and respectful co-parenting is the best approach to raising this boy, why can’t dad know the same. If I am mature enough and love my child enough to acknowledge the importance of their connections with their father despite our disconnection, why is it that dad can’t do the same. If I am wise enough to know that no matter what the damage is between us, that damage need not spill over to damage him, why is it that dad can’t do the same? Why is it that dad thinks that when he is mad at me, for what I am not sure, it is ok to NOT speak to his son.
It is quite disheartening to think that this is the path we will travel but, I will not search for logic and reasoning where there is none. What I do know is that I will not spend the next 14 years of The Boy’s life reminding his dad to be dad.
I AM NOT My Brother’s Keeper!
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I’m often thankful that my parents divorced when I was really young, like 1 or 2. For all intensive purposes, I never had a dad (until my mom re-married when I was 11). I think it was easier for me to have never had a dad, than to have had one and then he left.
Thank you for your perspective. I don’t know which is better but, I know that it infuriates me over and over when I have to deal with it over and over. The kids deserve both parents being active participants and putting their egos aside.
You are right about what the kids need.
Pingback: Changes-Are Afoot? « gordopdx
Thanks for the ping back. Change is almost always difficult even when absolutely necessary. Actually, especially when necessary. Good luck.
Pain that’s what we the feel. We the children of absent fathers, the one’s who once know their love, the who learn to smile and find joy regardless of the underlying pain anguish and fear. Oh yes fear, the fear that despite how hard we try we will one day be just like him or for the girl child one day we will love one that turns out to be just like him…SMH they no not what they do to their seeds.
I don’t think I will ever get it because I could never walk away for even a moment. I don’t care who pisses me off…even if it is them. I am there so, I will never understand the ability to not be there.
…and another thing I Love and Appreciate my mother more than she will ever know.
I am sure she knows. Mom’s have that ability. lol
Well said. It is always painful to read what I know to be true. No mother wants their child or children to go through what you have described. Still I am proud that you now know it to be what and why it was. I too will never understand why ‘MEN’ not FATHERS act with no regard for their children. True fathers do not fall in this catagory only men (make that boys) who some how miss the point completely.
Getting on with life and not allowing hate or anger or hurt to impack on your life or that of your children does help them to be the best they can be. The Man, The Girl, and The Boy are blessed to have you as their Mom. When they are truly grown they will understand and appreciate what you have done for them. Most important they will know what a posistive force you were in shaping their lives to be filled with love and self worth. Nothing is more important for them then this.